different than I thought.

So the reason I started this blog was for a Marriage Preparation class at Brigham Young University. Honestly, I wanted to take it so that I could hear funny stories about dating and get some extra credits of A. However, coming out of it, I have learned much much more. I have learned about how to balance relationships. I have learned about how to manage money. I have learned about how important it is to make God a part of your marriage. I have learned about the importance of cleaving to your spouse instead of holding on to your parents after you are married. I have learned about intimacy in marriage. I have learned about how having a child can effect a marriage and how to keep it positive. I have learned about resolving conflict. I have learned about equal partnership. I have learned about divorce and its effects. I have learned far more that I could have possibly imagined to learn. One of the most important things I have learned though, is that I have learned a lot about myself and relationships. We have heard good and bad examples in class for different principles and I am often able to identify with them. this has helped me a great deal to realize my weaknesses and my strengths. It is interesting how there are things that I used to think were my strengths but I find that in a relationship there are some aspects of that that I need to continue to work on and improve in. It is my goal to continually learn and grow and it is so important for me to be able to do that in relationships. The greatest thing about dating is that when you are in a relationship, not only do you begin to recognize these strengths and weaknesses but so does your partner so you are able to help each other grow and improve. For example, I am a very indecisive person and my boyfriend knows that so he is constantly giving me small decisions to make so that hopefully it will someday be a strength of mine to make decisions and stick with them.

So I was reading an article recently about how couples deal with conflict and I thought it was really interesting. It said in the statistics that 2/3 of couples that claim to have a happy marriage both have a similar understanding of how to deal with conflict. Once I read that, I thought: "Wow. that makes perfect sense. If one person in a relationship yells and screams and the other is quite but holds grudges that would definately make things more complicated." I honestly think it is all about communication. I mean if two people are willing to listen to each others arguements and focus on the actual problem they will be able to work things out. I have an experience that has to do with this. I definately learned something new from it. This last weekend I went to dinner with my boyfriend and our mutual friends, who are married. While we were at dinner the wife and I were having a deep conversation. My boyfriend was not contributing at all and when he would make a comment, he was always joking. This frustrated me that he wasn't taking our conversation seriously. But my problem was that instead of telling him that I just pretended like he was too stupid to understand. This embarrassed him in front of our friends and caused some conflict between us. I remembered what I had read in the article, so once we got into the car after dinner, I appologized sincerely and explained to him my feelings about the situation and he was able to explain his. The interesting thing is that there was something else about the dinner that bothered him more than that and I would have never known had we not communicated about it. Communication really has helped the relationship I have with my boyfriend and without it, there would be a lot of built up unneccesary anger. What a blessing it is to be able to express ourselves freely and still stay in a calm respectful place.

directing my path

So lately I have had a lot of experiences that have made me think a lot about the information and things I have been learning in my marriage preparation class. About a month ago we had to take a test about our preparation for marriage. We learned about our weaknesses and strengths. This was a really good thing for me because I was able to see why I am personally not ready for marriage and to help me to see what I need to do to be ready. I have seen these weaknesses particularly in the past two weeks. So I have decided to set goals to help my self improve in these areas.

Also, today in class we talked about the different phases of dating and courtship in preparation for marriage. There are certain phases you need to go through. First you need work on your discipleship. This was very interesting to me because I realized that if you are close to the Lord and rely on him then any relationship that you put your heart into that is the part of the Lord's plan for you will work out. He wants us to be happy so if we work on our relationship with him first then he will help us through our hard times. I have been struggling lately with some relationship problems and I had some decisions to make. These were very important to me and I knew that I needed the Lords help so I prayed and I opened my scriptures to a random page and my eye went straight to the Proverbs scripture: Proverbs 3:5-6. But verse 6 stuck out to me the most. "In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths." That was exactly what I needed what direction. So the next couple of days, I tried to always acknowledge the Lord's hand in my life. Although I didn't get my answer right then or even that week, now everything has worked out for my good. I know because I have been making an effort to be a disciple, he has blessed me and directed my paths.

One thing that I learned recently in my marriage class is about self esteem. It think that it is interesting that most people think that they will be able to gain self esteem by doing things for themselves. Achieving a goal or receiving an award for something. But in fact it is when you are focusing on helping others that you gain self esteem. My mother has taught me many things over the years and there are many things she has taught me about self esteem. She told me recently that she is reading a book called "The Myth of Self-Esteem". The myth is that when you work on yourself to become better you come to love yourself. While in a way that may be true, the best way for you to come to love yourself is to love others first.
Another thing my mother used to tell me when I was young was to look outside myself. See who needs help. Especially in situations where I was feeling self conscious or awkward, she would always tell me that the way for me to feel comfortable was look around and see who is probably feeling even more self conscious and awkward than me. This works wonders. I can personally tell you that if you ever in one of those situations follow this advise.
Also, there is a song called "The greatest love of all" by whitney houston, (very popular song) and they lyrics talk about loving yourself before you try to love someone else and most people believe that but in my opinion, loving others is the way that you come to love yourself. I think this is really important to preparing for marriage because although you should know who you are before you get married it is through relationships that you learn to love yourself and be confident in who you are.

On Monday of this week at 11am, I watched the announcement of the new Presidency of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. There was a new Presidency set apart because the prophet passed away on Sunday January 27th. I will miss him greatly but what happened on Monday morning has helped me with this loss.
When they announced the new presidency: President Thomas S. Monson, Prophet, Seer and Revelator, President Eyring, First counselor, and President Uchtdorf, Second counselor. This feeling of overwhelming emotion swept over my body. I feel so strongly that these men are called of God and have been specifically called to lead this church at this time.
One thing that I love about the church is that it is so organized. We all knew who the new prophet was going to be and the church still continues on even when a prophet dies. There is perfect order to the system we have in the church. In the Catholic church when a Pope dies, it is a big deal to decide who will be the new Pope and people all over the world watch and wait to see who is chosen because they don't know who it will be. Some people may be disappointed about who the new pope is but everyone in the church knew it would be President Monson. He had such a spirit and power about him as he answered the questions at the Press Conference. There was a visual difference to see the burden he now carries. I am so grateful for modern revelation in the church today and for a living Prophet of God on the Earth.
Another thing I have been thinking about lately is equality in marriage. This is a principle that I have seen my whole life. My parents are both on the same level when it comes to making decisions. I love this because my parents are able to avoid MANY arguments because they trust each other's opinions. Of course, their marriage isn't perfect and sometimes my mom may have a better answer or solution to something like 'what new wallpaper we should get or what shirt would be more appropriate for a party' but my father understands that and trusts her opinion with those things. Just like my mother trusts him when he says that we should use this particular mechanic or barbeque the meat this way. They trust each other with these things and agree on them. This is one of the ways they avoid arguments because they see each other as equals and I think that is one of the most important things in a marriage.

how much commitment is marriage really?

I recently read two articles about marriage. One talked about commitment. There was a story of a young boy who was listening to a talk show and the woman who called in was talking about how she wasn't happy in her marriage and family. They had no money because her husband had just lost his job, her kids were sick and she wasn't really in love with her husband anymore. So the talk show host told her to get out. "You're entitiled to a little happiness...you don't have to stay in this mess. Let your old man solce his own problems. You go find greener pastures." Instead of the host suggesting that she work on her marriage he told her to escape like the commitment and contract of marriage only works when everything in life is running smoothly. There is a difference between a contractual marriage and a covenant marriage. In a contractual marriage, when troubles come, the parties seek happiness by walking away but in a covenant marriage the husband and wife work through the problems. They both put 100% into the marriage and solve the problems together. There is no limit to what you give to your spouse. You give them all you have and they in return give you all they have. You can conquer anything with the help of the Lord. One quote that I loved from this article was about both spouses giving all they have instead of just 50% each and hoping it will work out. If you both give 100% you "share a 'mutually attachment' that eclipses each partner's self-interest." I can't help but picture an actual eclipse. The two have got each other "covered." I am sure this takes a lot of self sacrifice but if you think of your spouse before you think of yourself, always wanting what is best for him/her.

Another quote that I absolutely loved was: "Actual love is truly extending oneself to nurture another individual's growth." It is such a selfless thing that you know it is real love.

The last quote that I loved was: "A happy life isn't about getting what you want; it's about the attitude you develop toward whatever happens to you, an attitude that lets you grow."

Thinking about marriage can be a very daunting thing. These days the percentage of marriages that stay together are fewer than the marriages that don't. I think people can hear those statistics and wonder..."well, what's the point?" But one thing that I think people don't think about is that there is something wonderful and beautiful about marriage that you can't get from anything else in life. Marriage is an ordinance; it is a man and a woman bonded together for time and all eternity. I think that if a marriage is based on trust, love for each other, love for God, dedication and righteous living there is no reason why the marriage shouldn't work. I think relationships are tough, but when one thing doesn't go right I think it is wrong to simply give up on the marriage because in all marriages there are more people effected than just the couple. The other "stake holders" are the children, friends, other family members (brothers, sisters, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles) and God. I have seen many divorces as most of us have, and I have seen it more people than you could possibly imagine. When I have had friends whose parents have gotten divorced, it has even effected me...A friend of their child. And not only does it reach several people but it reaches several generations. Divorce can be very devestating. One thing that I think is important is not what causes divorce and how to save it, but how to prevent those things from happening that even cause problems within the marriage.

There are a lot of rumors or false statistics about marriage that we hear all the time and accept as fact while in fact they are all true. I think many people would be stunned when they found out some of these.

On average, a person who remains single will live as long as someone who marries. (False)

Married people, because they are likely to have children and experience more stress, will generally be sick more often than those who don't marry. (False)

A single person, over the course of a lifetime, will be better off financially than someone who marries. (False)

Because people are more likely to be abused by someone they know than by a stranger, being married increases the chances of being physically abused for adults and children. (False)

Married and unmarried people are just as likely to be happy. (False)

Some are these are shocking and very hard to believe but they are just a few of the things that a lot of people believe about marriage that are simply misconceptions. Marriage is really ordained of God and is really one of the greatest things we have in society to build it up and to create happy families and children.